Put Down Your Ego and Back Away

So I just got news from my ex that she is going to move herself and the kids back to her small hometown about an hour away from where we all live now. This was a small surprise not because of the timing but because I received the news from my 6-year-old daughter rather than my ex. It seems that she “forgot” to tell me since we see each other so infrequently in person. At first I was a bit upset. I couldn’t figure out why she had decided to make the move at this point in time, after all, we had been separated for over a year and I was supporting her and the kids just fine. She explained to me it had to do with her work hours changing and her mother making her the offer to watch the kids whenever she wanted. I knew this was better deal than I could offer her and I know how the kids love their grandmother so I didn’t want to stand in the way. It hurts my feeling that she is talking them father away from me but I know that I had made open-ended plans to move out of Tucson so I couldn’t exactly ask her to stay when I had plans to leave.

So I had to do some releasing and some introspective looking at what I wanted. I want to move, so her moving first allowed me that freedom. I want to get a new job. Her moving again allowed me the flexibility to look more aggressively since I wouldn’t have to worry about my kids being with their grandmother. I want to know the girls are safe and that they will be taken care of, again problem solved.

So what was my resistance really about? Why was I worked up so much that I nearly cried in anger? Well it has to do with respect. My ex wasn’t respecting me. She didn’t tell me because she didn’t think she had to. She and I had this similar conversation about her moving and my guess is she decided that she would go ahead and do it as soon as possible, and she confirmed that when we finally did talk about it.

So where did I stand. I had a few people telling me that she has no right to take the kids from me and I have legal grounds to take her to court and I need to get the girls from her before she thinks she can just do whatever she wants. And I said, “No”. I reject their ideas. Why? Not because I don’t love my kids, I do, I raised them almost more than my ex did and I certainly play with them move often. But what would I be fighting over? My right to be their parent or my right to control her and tell her what to do? I know that I can’t control her but I can tell her how I feel, and I certainly did but I not going to stop her. What else, I could take her to court and uphold the contract that says she need to give me fair warning? Maybe, but if I am looking for the interests of the girls then I need to consider that her mother is more stable than both of us. So really why was everyone so upset but me? Again it’s not because I don’t care but it’s because I don’t put my ego in front of every decision I make.

It’s not about me. It’s not even about her. It’s about what is best for the kids. They will be taken care of and I will see them on the weekends until I move. And then I will see then 100 days in the summer, about the same as I see them now. I think everyone is so upset because they think they need to control the situation, they need to be in charge of the outcomes and they need to feel like they won. And I say we can all win here if we just let go of this pride that clouds out the view of what is really important. As long as I am honoring myself and what I want I will be ok. I will be able to get what I want and so will everyone else. So next time you are faced with a problem really be objective and think maybe the problem is I am putting up a fight for no good reason and if I remove myself from the situation the problem will solve itself.


About boywithoutlegs

I am the author of the boy without legs website. I was born without legs and have used the experience to write children's poetry. I would love for anyone to read and be inspired and if you are interested in publishing my poetry please contact me.
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5 Responses to Put Down Your Ego and Back Away

  1. Shannon says:

    I’m sorry to hear that, Paco. Doing what is best for your children will always be a priority, as it should, and if allowing them to move away becomes beneficial, everyone wins. Of course you’ll miss them like crazy and there will be times when you feel like you need to see them, but phone calls and video chats are always interesting things for younger kids to use. As long as your kids know you love them, and would do anything for them, that is what matters most. I applaud you for being the bigger, if not better person in this situation, despite the loss you will face.

    • Thank you Shannon. I have had to do a lot of growing up in this situation and I know that doing the right thing has always been the most difficult thing but it always feels good in the end. I could have easily taken her to court on a few issues but that would have likly created tension between her and I. What i want is the ability to rasie our children without having this anger between us and I think it can be done if we look at what is best for the kids and not ourselves. I think in this case it will work out for everyone.

      • ivorjcw says:

        You are right, and really selfless in this, Paco .. thinking about the well-being of your daughters .. only just read this. How are thing s nearly 4 years’ later?

        I have a friend (my ex-physio in fact) who took up a much better job out in Qatar (Arab world .. loads of money) .. took his wife and 1 year old daughter with him; set them up in a nice home: etc. Then last Summer his wife came back to UK with their daughter ahead of him. When he arrived, she said was not going back, she wanted a divorce and the child too. He was and still is very hurt BUT has done for his daughter first and foremost.

        Sad BUT the way of the world at times



      • I wasn’t totally selfless at the time, looking back I knew that I didn’t want to fight, and I did want the freedom to move. Moving never happened as i couldn’t find a better job than I had and Emily move to Tucson so we are able to see the girls every weekend. As they get older this will become less important and we will be able to move as we desire. Arabic lands can be harsh both in climate and for woman, they aren’t held to the same resepct as men and that is a lesson no modern woman should face. I can’t tell if other factors were at play with his ex but if he is kind to her and fair to their relationship the child will be shown love and will grow up ok with the proper support. Life is what we make of it, it is only sad if we can’t move past the circumstances of the choices we have made.

    • ivorjcw says:

      You are so right, so spot-on, Shannon

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